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other ways to hump a cow

Updated: Jun 26, 2023

the way to hump a cow is not

the way to hump a cow is not to get yourself a stool but draw a line around the spot and call it beautifool

to multiply because and why dividing thens by nows and adding and(i understand) is hows to hump a cows

the way to hump a cow is not to elevate your tool but drop a penny in the slot and bellow like a bool

to lay a wreath from ancient greath on insulated brows (while tossing boms at uncle toms is hows to hump a cows

the way to hump a cow is not to push and then to pull but practicing the art of swot to preach the golden rull

to vote for me(all decent mem and wonens will allows which if they don’t to hell with them) is hows to hump a cows

-e.e. cummings

In this poem, e.e. cummings is commenting on how politicians can and do screw over the sacred cow of our democratic republic. The process is simple: First, praise the nation or target audience. Second, expound on a mythology of a past ideal, explain why it went wrong, and promise to restore it to its former glory. Third, raise a call to arms, make hallow the past, and blame it on some powerless minority. Fourth, con your audience into believing your (and their) cause is righteous and needs to be backed by their votes. And, fifth, if you’re defeated at the polls, write them off as undeserving which will leave you open to find a new sacred cow to screw over.

It is my belief that too many Americans fail to understand just what the “art of swot” is, so with apologies to mr. cummings, I’ve enumerated some of the elements of it below:

Rules of Swot

#1 The ideal candidate for the Presidency in our American political system is someone who is a combination of Hans Christian Anderson and Jesus Christ. The average voter wants to elect someone who will tell him or her fairy tales in one form or another and then be easily crucified when those stories don’t come true.

the best and bigly candidate

to represent your cause

is someone who can hint at hate

while playing santa claus

who’ll swear to you he has the means

to make your dreams come true

by roundin’ up the immigrants.

yes, that takes some jobs from you

the bestest guy that you can back

will tell you what you’ve lost

and promise he will get revenge

no matter what the cost

’cause, as you know, you are the best

and all the rest are foes

who hate the goodness of our land

and live to work us woes.

the candidate you’ll want to back

should be a hybrid type

(a cross between the brothers grim

and dear old jesus christ)

and when the fairy tales he tells

have failed to come true

then you can pin him to a cross

and look for someone new

#2 We live in a whore’s paradise, though the electorate prefers to believe that the prostitutes who head their own political party are good-hearted hookers who will give a free tumble to the average man.

this paradise we’re living in

is really run by whores

who promise if you’ll vote for them

they’ll even up old scores

they’ll guarantee your life will be

much greater than before

and you will be forever free

and safe from shore to shore

the hooker that you like the best

in hooker paradise

will claim to be above the taint

of special int’rest’s vice

he’ll only steal just enough

to make the country whole,

and give you back your rightful share

while shrinking down the dole

the prostitute you’ll love the most

knows what we need to do

to make sure ev’ry shiftless dolt

will disappear from view

it just makes sense (the common type)

that if our tarts succeed

they’ll make us feel righteousness

and from all guilt be free

#3 Unrestrained capitalism is a religious creed. It is made holy by the incantations of sociopaths who use a combination of secular and religious jargon to elevate corporations to a sacred status.

how many times we learned the rule

that makes our country great

that every man’s a millionaire

if he’ll participate

or if he won’t, then he deserves

to struggle in the cold

and clear the way for other gents

with talents good as gold

we trust in god who clearly wants

to see us all be free

from rules and regs and obstacles

(like taxes on our tea)

and anyone can get the spark

of genius in their mind,

for we’re all born with equal rights

with chances of all kind

so many born to be non-white

(or maybe even gay)

there’s them who overcame the hump

and managed anyway

they rose above the challenges

that conquered lesser men,

which only goes to prove the creed

go try and try again

#4 To say corporations are persons with the same rights as living human beings is an acknowledgement that higher echelons of corporate power-wielders think that people deserve to be subjugated by their Boards of Directors.

our corporations give us jobs

and help us pay our bills

without them there would be no hope

to cure our social ills

they must be very safely kept

from evil lawyers’ suits

or else the branches of their trees

will cease to bear us fruits

it isn’t fair that they be forced

to give away the farm

when by no real person’s fault

somebody comes to harm

that’s why the cry to bleed them dry

must always tempered be

by government that we elect

our sweet democracy

And those who claim that businesses

don’t register to vote

or cast a ballot for their reps

should sit up and take note

for ceos who run the shows

are bound by every rule

to maximize their bottom lines

though what they do be cruel

#5 The myth of rugged individualism is one of the parables cited by the high priests of privilege in order to maintain the status quo of socio-economic inequality that must be defended by armed conflict if necessary.

the problems that we face today

are caused by government

that burdens us with legal laws

and taxes we resent

our health care should be free for all

and highways just the same

so we can spend the cash we earn

on gadgetry and games

’cause when our pioneering stock

was settling this land

they didn’t need no government

to lend a helping hand

they used their bootstraps like a rope

and rose above their plight

nor failing crops, nor failing banks

could dim their vision bright

thus, we can have our noble dream

our greatness has not passed

like after we won world war two

and all folks kissed our ass

we’ve got the troops, we’ve got the nukes

so this we can avow:

that we don’t need no stinkin’ help

to make the world kowtow

for some it’s what their nation asks

to save our way of life

for others it’s what god declares

is really holy strife

your sacrifice by sacred death

(or by a limb or two)

will earn you public praise by them

who told you what do

it works so well, this call to arms,

and old it never gets

but notice those who want the wars

will suffer no regrets

’cause they and theirs will never serve

or pass into harm’s way

not when there’s other citizens

whose thinking they can sway

This image by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA

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