the way to hump a cow is not
the way to hump a cow is not to get yourself a stool but draw a line around the spot and call it beautifool
to multiply because and why dividing thens by nows and adding and(i understand) is hows to hump a cows
the way to hump a cow is not to elevate your tool but drop a penny in the slot and bellow like a bool
to lay a wreath from ancient greath on insulated brows (while tossing boms at uncle toms is hows to hump a cows
the way to hump a cow is not to push and then to pull but practicing the art of swot to preach the golden rull
to vote for me(all decent mem and wonens will allows which if they don’t to hell with them) is hows to hump a cows
-e.e. cummings
In this poem, e.e. cummings is commenting on how politicians can and do screw over the sacred cow of our democratic republic. The process is simple: First, praise the nation or target audience. Second, expound on a mythology of a past ideal, explain why it went wrong, and promise to restore it to its former glory. Third, raise a call to arms, make hallow the past, and blame it on some powerless minority. Fourth, con your audience into believing your (and their) cause is righteous and needs to be backed by their votes. And, fifth, if you’re defeated at the polls, write them off as undeserving which will leave you open to find a new sacred cow to screw over.
It is my belief that too many Americans fail to understand just what the “art of swot” is, so with apologies to mr. cummings, I’ve enumerated some of the elements of it below:
Rules of Swot
#1 The ideal candidate for the Presidency in our American political system is someone who is a combination of Hans Christian Anderson and Jesus Christ. The average voter wants to elect someone who will tell him or her fairy tales in one form or another and then be easily crucified when those stories don’t come true.
the best and bigly candidate
to represent your cause
is someone who can hint at hate
while playing santa claus
who’ll swear to you he has the means
to make your dreams come true
by roundin’ up the immigrants.
yes, that takes some jobs from you
the bestest guy that you can back
will tell you what you’ve lost
and promise he will get revenge
no matter what the cost
’cause, as you know, you are the best
and all the rest are foes
who hate the goodness of our land
and live to work us woes.
the candidate you’ll want to back
should be a hybrid type
(a cross between the brothers grim
and dear old jesus christ)
and when the fairy tales he tells
have failed to come true
then you can pin him to a cross
and look for someone new
#2 We live in a whore’s paradise, though the electorate prefers to believe that the prostitutes who head their own political party are good-hearted hookers who will give a free tumble to the average man.
this paradise we’re living in
is really run by whores
who promise if you’ll vote for them
they’ll even up old scores
they’ll guarantee your life will be
much greater than before
and you will be forever free
and safe from shore to shore
the hooker that you like the best
in hooker paradise
will claim to be above the taint
of special int’rest’s vice
he’ll only steal just enough
to make the country whole,
and give you back your rightful share
while shrinking down the dole
the prostitute you’ll love the most
knows what we need to do
to make sure ev’ry shiftless dolt
will disappear from view
it just makes sense (the common type)
that if our tarts succeed
they’ll make us feel righteousness
and from all guilt be free
#3 Unrestrained capitalism is a religious creed. It is made holy by the incantations of sociopaths who use a combination of secular and religious jargon to elevate corporations to a sacred status.
how many times we learned the rule
that makes our country great
that every man’s a millionaire
if he’ll participate
or if he won’t, then he deserves
to struggle in the cold
and clear the way for other gents
with talents good as gold
we trust in god who clearly wants
to see us all be free
from rules and regs and obstacles
(like taxes on our tea)
and anyone can get the spark
of genius in their mind,
for we’re all born with equal rights
with chances of all kind
so many born to be non-white
(or maybe even gay)
there’s them who overcame the hump
and managed anyway
they rose above the challenges
that conquered lesser men,
which only goes to prove the creed
go try and try again
#4 To say corporations are persons with the same rights as living human beings is an acknowledgement that higher echelons of corporate power-wielders think that people deserve to be subjugated by their Boards of Directors.
our corporations give us jobs
and help us pay our bills
without them there would be no hope
to cure our social ills
they must be very safely kept
from evil lawyers’ suits
or else the branches of their trees
will cease to bear us fruits
it isn’t fair that they be forced
to give away the farm
when by no real person’s fault
somebody comes to harm
that’s why the cry to bleed them dry
must always tempered be
by government that we elect
our sweet democracy
And those who claim that businesses
don’t register to vote
or cast a ballot for their reps
should sit up and take note
for ceos who run the shows
are bound by every rule
to maximize their bottom lines
though what they do be cruel
#5 The myth of rugged individualism is one of the parables cited by the high priests of privilege in order to maintain the status quo of socio-economic inequality that must be defended by armed conflict if necessary.
the problems that we face today
are caused by government
that burdens us with legal laws
and taxes we resent
our health care should be free for all
and highways just the same
so we can spend the cash we earn
on gadgetry and games
’cause when our pioneering stock
was settling this land
they didn’t need no government
to lend a helping hand
they used their bootstraps like a rope
and rose above their plight
nor failing crops, nor failing banks
could dim their vision bright
thus, we can have our noble dream
our greatness has not passed
like after we won world war two
and all folks kissed our ass
we’ve got the troops, we’ve got the nukes
so this we can avow:
that we don’t need no stinkin’ help
to make the world kowtow
for some it’s what their nation asks
to save our way of life
for others it’s what god declares
is really holy strife
your sacrifice by sacred death
(or by a limb or two)
will earn you public praise by them
who told you what do
it works so well, this call to arms,
and old it never gets
but notice those who want the wars
will suffer no regrets
’cause they and theirs will never serve
or pass into harm’s way
not when there’s other citizens
whose thinking they can sway
